By The Onion’s Grandmaster of Giggles, reporting on the latest antics of Hans Niemann
MOSCOW—In a twist that’s left the chess world more checkmated than a pawn in a king’s gambit, American grandmaster Hans Niemann has triumphantly declared himself innocent of over-the-board (OTB) cheating after passing a mysterious polygraph test. The incident, featuring Hans Niemann and his polygraph, claims to have happened somewhere, sometime, in a galaxy far, far away. The 21-year-old prodigy, whose meteoric rise has been overshadowed by whispers of foul play and one very public accusation from world No. 1 Magnus Carlsen, took to X to proclaim, “Polygraph finished, passed on all fronts. Have you ever cheated over the board? No. Verdict: True. I think it’s time for a rematch with Dubov. I’ll be in Moscow again in 2 weeks!”
The announcement comes after Niemann’s high-stakes 18-game blitz showdown with Russian grandmaster Daniil Dubov in March 2025, where the loser was contractually obligated to face a lie detector and answer one question about cheating. Dubov edged out Hans Niemann 9.5-8.5 with a dazzling 64.g4 move that had fans screaming “Checkmate, Hans!” on X.
“Polygraphs are pseudoscience!” Hans Niemann ranted on his YouTube channel, before making a U-turn faster than a knight on f3 to announce he’d scheduled the test after all. Now, with no video evidence, no disclosed date, and no independent verification, Niemann’s claim of passing has chess fans divided. “When he refused the test, they said he was scared. Now he says he passed, and they call it fake. My detractors are doing mental gymnastics!” Niemann posted on X, probably while practicing his bishop-to-queen stare in the mirror.
The chess world, already reeling from the 2022 Sinquefield Cup scandal where Carlsen quit after losing to Hans Niemann and hinted at cheating, isn’t buying it. “This guy passes a lie detector test and expects us to believe he’s not a cyborg sent from 2045 to dominate chess?” tweeted one X user, echoing a sentiment trending across the platform. Others pointed out that polygraphs, famously unreliable, are about as trustworthy as a pawn promising to become a queen.
Carlsen, who’s been lobbing verbal rooks at Hans Niemann ever since their 2022 clash, remains unmoved. “If I started cheating, you’d never know,” he told Joe Rogan on a podcast. The Norwegian’s refusal to trust Niemann, coupled with a Netflix documentary set to drop in April that promises to dissect the scandal, has only fueled the fire.
Meanwhile, Dubov, who’s stayed quieter than a pinned knight, has chess insiders buzzing about his next move. “He’s probably crafting a question so diabolical it’ll make Hans Niemann’s polygraph machine explode,” speculated one Redditor on r/chess.
As for Hans Niemann, he’s sticking to his story and his chessboard, vowing to prove his haters wrong with every move. “The only constant is that the chess always speaks for itself,” he declared, sounding suspiciously like a man who’s memorized every line of Bobby Fischer’s autobiography. Whether he’s a misunderstood genius or the chess world’s greatest supervillain, one thing’s clear: this saga is far from checkmate.
Disclaimer: Summit School of Chess is not responsible for any chessboards flipped in response to this article. Please direct all conspiracy theories about Hans Niemann to your nearest knight on b1.
Link to the original article on Indian Times
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